September 14, 2008

A day of rest

It is finally Sunday, my beautiful day off. Yesterday the cast performed our 2 very newly learned shows for an audience of about 10 + our producer/directors. The audience included a cruise director who has seen the shows before, and commented that this was the best he had seen these shows performed. To me, there was plenty of mistakes, but I felt unity in the cast. And although we have had our differences and tension amidst the stress of learning these shows, we supported, pushed, and challenged each other. I hope we can continue to grow together. Mentally and physically past the point of exhaustion after yesterday's rehearsal, Lindsay and I grabbed dinner and watched a movie for some R&R. Being one of the few non hunger people in the city of las vegas this morning, i woke up early for a yoga class at the swanky gym next door. I've taken a few yoga classes since being here and have really enjoyed all of them. The class this morning was what i'd describe as intermediate power yoga. I had a great experience. The past couple weeks I've been surrounded by mirrors constantly, at rehearsals and the gym, and I am looking at myself all the time. It's really interesting how your outlook, view and perspective of yourself can be warped and/or changed so easily (at least for me). I don't know if I am becoming more accepting of myself or if I am just getting used to myself, but lately I see me all the time. Inspecting. Judging. Sucking in. Disciplining. I have started to ignore the mirror. I don't want to put myself under so much scrutiny. I don't want to make quick judgments. This morning we did Lord of the Dance pose (Natarajasana). We were told to look into the mirror and concentrate on our eyes for balance. My body surprised me with more balance, flexibility, length and openness then I have felt since, well, I can't remember. While my body is far from an ideal of perfection, it allows me to go farther then I should push it, and once in a while, like today, it will surpasses my expectations. When the class was coming to a close, and I was in shivasana, I felt immense guilt sweep over me. I couldn't quit pinpoint why i felt it, but then an intense happiness followed. It was the kind I wanted to burst out laughing with, and share it with all the people I loved in the world. I felt weird for having so much happiness and not people I genuinely loved with me at the time to share it with. I thought that maybe I felt the guilt for leading a selfish life that only involved myself and my own goals. That I don't let others enter easily, and I am not being open and giving enough to the world. I opened my inner light for a few moments at the end of the class and shared my discovered and happiness with everyone in the room, weather they knew it or not. I am in control of what and who I let in and out. Now that those moments in time have passed and I am looking back, I realize a lot of that guilt actually had to do with my feelings of how I view myself, particularly my body. I was able to see how it wanted to be freed from my judgments, and when it was, it could do amazing things. When I love and accept myself, I can do things that I don't imagine myself doing. Pushing, judging, and even doubting myself a great deal lately, has made me rethink how I present myself and who I am. I am loving my body today. And I do not need to feel guilty about that. It doesn't need to change, it is strong and puts up with a lot of shit. I have demanded too much from it, and yet it's still giving and supportive of me. I know that happiness is inside of all of us, waiting to be open and freed, we just have to love ourselves so it trusts us to shine in, out, and through the rest of the world. Starting new show tomorrow. Here we go again!

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